OI- Overrated Intelligence

Choir is eating me alive inside. If things keep going as they have been, I'm going to be forced to quit choir, for sanity's sake. Choir has forced me into tears on several occaisions this school year. If things keep going as they have, I'll end up with a nervous break down.
I've been singing since 4th grade, only taking 6th grade off to get in my PE credits. Actually, I've been singing longer than that. I remeber being in about 1st or 2nd grade and being in the children's choir at Grace Covenant Church. That means I've been in choir more than I've been in orchestra!!! Although I started playing cello at the end of 2nd grade, I did not officially start until 5th grade. Wow. More choir than orchestra. I always thought of it the other way around. Quite a revelation.
Saturday was the audition for next year's choral chair placement (which of the two choirs you go into). A few days before the audition, a few of my peers came up to me and said I had a great chance of making the top choir, that I was talented and had a great voice. Monday rolled around and results were not final and public yet. However, Mr.Raymond, (the choral director), started to name the top students in each section. When he reached the soprano section, this girl starts crying before she even finds out what her chair is just because a friend of mine made 3rd chair. (Later she found out that it was an error and was really 5th chair.) This girl, Emma McNairy, made 4th chair.All I could think is how spoiled rotten she was acting. As Mr. Raymond continued to name the top students in the 1st choir, I got this gut feeling that I hadn't made the cut.
We were schedualed to have a Cinco de Mayo Pep Ralley after this class, so as we were locking away our backpacks in locked rooms, I aproached Mr. Raymond. I asked him what I should expect as far as my placement. Mr. Raymond looked in my eyes with true sincerity and replied KnightingGales, the second choir. My gut feeling was correct. I was crushed, but hid it as best I could. I should be greatful I was at least in choir. I was not going to show my grief as long as anyone was present. Hearing all this, Sam Bass, who had achieved 1st chair Bass/Baritone, came up to me outside of the classroom with a look on his face of sheer shock. You have such a nice voice and are so talented, is the basic gist of what he told me. I really look up to Sam accademically and chorally. Several more people told me that I definately should have made the top choir. One said they had heard one of the top sopranos sing and that it was definately not as good as I had probably done. Mr. Raymond had said I had ranked low partially becase my tape had been so hard to hear. I could have kept it together if it wasn't for Sam's comment after Emma's outburst into crying. It was really just too much for me.
When I got online I congratulated my friend for how well she had done. I also broke down into tears twice. I was really happy for my friend. She had worked so hard and had such talent. She deserved what she got. Still, tears streamed down my face. Whenever I made contact with my family I just acted extremely tired and kept myself either in a showdow or sillhouetted. No one noticed, thankfully, and I went to be early.
The next day was really too much for me. Choir rolled around and Mr. Raymond once again talked about the auditions. I was really stung. I had to excuse myself from the room to go get water. It was really just to chill out. All day my friends and family tried to comfort me. Auditions are never fair, Lucinda told me. My mom said that God must have a purpose for me in the second choir. Maybe Mr. Raymond really needs me there. I still cannot see how. My solution is to just quit choir and join debate, but I want to be able to sing. I want to sing so badly.
When I got home, my mom said I looked as though I was about to cry. I was, but I would never have admitted it. I just told her I was tired. We ran over to HEB and I fell fast asleep. I was glad to fall asleep. I felt as though I was about to puke. Puke from what, I do not know. It could have been stress, it could have been hunger, it could have been frustration, it could have been trying to hold back tears, or it could have been choir. I don't know. I just fell fast asleep and was glad to do so.
This morning, Mr. Raymond posted the official results of who had made the top choir. My name wasn't there. I looked another 7 times. My name still wasn't there. It hadn't changed. I knew it wouldn't change. I was where I was. Many a time I rushed around the fine arts building. I'd continuously make a round of the orchestra room, the choir room, the water fountain, and back to the orchestra room. As I'd enter the orchestra room, I'd swing the door open with such frustration and let it slam behind me. As I'd leave, I'd slam the door shut. Dabbs saw my frustration and asked what was wrong. When I tried to explain, he did not understand. He understood my words, but not my feelings. I was crushed. At lunch, I just walked around the perimeter of the orchestra room straitening the pictures on the wall as I went. They should look straiter now.
In choir I talked all period to Ferid. He's only like 13 or 14, and I find him an incredible person. He may be young, but he has a brain. He told me that Emma really did not sound that good. He was surprised at her chairing. Ferid and I talked of many other things, but most importantly he made me feel much better. He could have chosen anyone to talk to, yet he chose me. He could have said well, you've always got next year to audition, but instead he told me how much he though I should have made it. I felt I really mattered.
Why does a person who has worked so hard not do well? Why does someone who has given thier all fail to succeed? Why when someone has shed blood, sweat, tears, hours, and sleep not rank with the same type of people in thier class? Why do people who could care less about choir rank above someone who has dedicated thier life to music, not just choral? I'm really happy for those that made it. I just wanted to be with them. How will I ever become better if I'm always the best in the group that I'm in? I may be a strong sightreader, but in the real world, sightreading won't matter. What will matter is talent, my ability to sing.
I love to sing. I find so much joy in singing. It means the world to me. When I sing, I'm in a world unlike any other. The bad thing is the students who don't care. I want to be in a class of students that really care. I want to be able to sing and not worry about having to keep the section in tune. I'm better than this... why doesn't it show? I just want to be better. I'm not like other choir students. I want to be a choir member, not a diva or divo. I want to sing with harmony and more than just one other part. I want to SING. If I quit choir now, I will have to quit singing. Instead of singing, I would join debate. I really want to take debate, but I think choir is more what I need. If I quit choir, I will take debate. I just want to be a little better than I am. Is that too much to ask? Choir is eating me alive inside.