OI- Overrated Intelligence

I posted this on my Xanga...

My life seems nothing but a roller coaster. Just when I feel my life is starting to go up again... it tumbles down. I hate it when people try to tell me they have such a horrible life, or that they aren't good in something. I can't stand it. No one understands me.

I doubt anyone in the world knows me for who I really am. If Lucinda hadn't tried to commit suicide, I would have tried. I went and cut myself. To think that at one time I was the top student at my school. I was the smartest person at my school in 6th grade. Who would believe it now? A B student. I can't shake it. I'm tormented daily of all things past. All I want is a friend I can call up spur of the moment and say "hey, can you meet me at such-and-such a spot" and then be there in 10 minutes where I can pour out my heart.

I fear even writing down my thoughts because I think my parents will eventually find them, or I'll have a good enough friend who will tell on me. I can't confide in anyone. I bottle up my thoughts, and then I come down with walking pneumonia like I did last school year. I push too hard.

I'm not good at anything. I want someone to find something I'm good at. Just one simple little thing. I'm an idiot... trying to find a niche that I can feel comfortable in... not like a convict, checking my surroundings, looking to see if I need to run. There's no one to keep my secrets, to be my friend.

All the friends I have are just that... friends. None of them are close to me. I don't have anyone who is close to me. There is absolutely no one here on earth that I can confide in. I just want someone to hold me close, and say "little girl, you're not as far-fetched as you think you are". Even a simple "I love you and want you to be happy" would do it. I just want someone to tell me that and mean it. Even if the I love you was followed by "... like a sister". I just want someone older and wiser than I am, that I can look up to. I don't fit in anywhere. Give me a topic, and I'll tell you how it's a bitter thorn in my life. Give me anything.

I probably shouldn't publish this, but this means too much to me to not do so.

Sometimes I just crawl up in a ball and just cry to myself. I'm just so insecure. I feel like I've been dropped of in the middle of a desert... completely deserted.

I want a friend who calls me because they want to talk to me, not because I've been begging them to call for weeks on end. I want a friend who cares enough to ask how my day is going, and not just ask what's up at the moment. I just want to know someone is interested in me for who I am, and not for what I am trying to appear as.

No one really knows this but I'm a quiet, shy, little girl inside, crying for attention, crying to be loved. I am a sickly thing inside, hoping that a little bit of life is still present so that I can keep living for just a few more days. Most people see me as a Dandelion... a weed that won't go away... or a Rose Bush... stubborn but beautiful. In reality, I am but a daisy, easily trampled under foot. I'm a child in a dark corner, waiting for something to happen. I'm a needle in a hay stack. Not only am I different from all the rest, but I seem hurt things.. poking and what-not. I'm just not understood.

I don't have friends to depend on. What is there to depend on?

My parents brag on how brilliant my brother Robert is. It used to be me that they bragged on.

Sometimes I wish I would be part of a tragedy, so I could stop worrying so much. Maybe someone could raid a school and kill me because I am a christian. Maybe I could be on a plane and it could go down. Maybe I could just fall asleep and never wake up. Maybe I could wake up to find I'm in either the past or in Heaven. I don't like where I am now.

Anyone reading this is probably thinking I'm a stupid idiot. A moron. A bastard.